Stoga Film

Bright

Reviewed by Eddie Daou

Have you ever wondered what a film written by a brain-dead six year old would be like? Well, then “Bright” is the movie for you!

 

“Bright” might actually be the worst movie ever made. I know that might sound like an exaggeration, but I really do believe that there isn’t a film that I have ever seen that was more boring, more horribly acted, directed, written, and pretty much conceptualized in general. Also, I don’t think a film has ever made me as angry as I was while watching “Bright.” Just try hearing the premise of “Bright” without bursting out in laughter from its ridiculousness, and slowly starting to cry for the death of cinema as we know it. The film follows two L.A. cops. The twist? One of them...is also....an ORC! You think that’s bad? Well, our orc cop friend also has to deal with...wait for it...ORC RACISM! Think that can’t get any more idiotic? Our buddies ALSO...have to protect...A MAGIC WAND! FROM ELVES! Sounds crazy right? See, this premise is so stupid that it’s like an SNL skit for a fake movie that got cut for being too unrealistic. Only Netflix, the studio known for producing “masterpieces” like “The Babysitter” and “Iron Fist” could fund something this bad.

 

I dare you to watch this movie and not gauge your eyes out to end the brutal pain that is “Bright.” Instead of treating a premise with an SNL skit level of ridiculousness with any sense of self-deprecation or understanding of how dumb it is, “Bright” takes itself completely serious. Somehow, they don’t see the inherent stupidity in things like centaur police officers or elf white supremacists or prophecies about turf wars. There isn’t a joke in sight about how stupid anything in the movie is, only the same Will Smith quips you’ve heard for the last 20 years in movies that didn’t suck this hard. How can you make a serious movie that has a centaur cop in it? The real kicker isn’t how bad it is, it’s how boring a movie it is. They literally copied-and-pasted the same plotline from every cop drama of the last 20 years, only with added orc racism. What should have been a kooky “how did this get made” type of movie that’s so bad it’s funny is just so bad it hurts. There’s zero fun to be had watching this movie. The awful soundtrack only adds to the headache this movie will give you.

 

You know, I really should have expected this. I mean, David Ayer directed this after all. With “Suicide Squad”, Ayer makes a run for being one of the worst directors of all time, and with “Bright”, he truly takes away Tommy Wiseau’s trophy of being the most inept filmmaker in history. Want well directed action? Beautiful shots? Sorry, all you’re gonna get here is shaky cam, slow motion, and 2 hours of some of the ugliest frames you’ll ever see. And talk about a Two-In-One team up for the ages: if you thought Ayer was bad, watch what happens when you team him up with hack writer and sexual assaulter (look it up) human Max Landis delivers yet another godawful script. If you thought “Dirk Gently” wasn’t stupid enough, “American Ultra” wasn’t cringe-worthy enough, and “Victor Frankenstein” wasn’t horrendous enough, just you wait. Landis truly has reached a new low, even for his garbage-filled career. If the script tells you anything about its writer, it’s that Max Landis is definitely missing a few chromosomes. Oh, you were thinking about writing a movie about orc police officers? GET A DIFFERENT JOB, ASSHOLE.

 

Next: the characters! The main characters of “Bright” were so devoid of emotion and charisma I was DREAMING of characters like fucking SLIPKNOT. THAT IS HOW BAD THEY WERE. Will Smith plays the same “Will Smith” action movie role he’s been playing since “Bad Boys”. What’s his backstory? What’s his motivation? What changes does he undergo throughout the film? To Landis this doesn’t matter, cause he’s Will Smith, and this is “Bright.” The difference here is Smith is completely devoid of any charisma, and looks completely bored in every shot of “Bright”. And then there’s Joel Edgerton, an insanely underrated actor, who has to deal with looking THIS ridiculous:

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How does something this stupid looking get past pre-production? His characters’ only defining aspect? He has to deal with orc racism everywhere he goes. The film defines him by his characters’ race, and doesn’t develop him any further. And every other orc is shown as villains, gangsters, and monsters. They’re all beasts, but there’s just one good orc in their entire race. I didn’t think it was humanly possible, but somehow a movie about orc racism ended up being RACIST TO ORCS. 

 

And it looks like I’ll have to end my review soon, because I think I have run out of words to describe how bad this movie is. None of this matters anyways, because Netflix already greenlit “Bright 2”. You see, Netflix knows that it doesn’t matter how bad their movies are. As long as you click on the movie, even for a second, it counts as a win for them. And with their ever-dwindling library of movies (which really does get shorter every month), they’re counting on you to give shit like this a chance. All I ask is that you don’t watch “Bright”. Don’t watch it to see how bad it is, or to make fun of it, or anything. If you do, then Netflix wins, and true filmmaking loses. Why support a movie as empty as “Bright”? Just watch something thought-provoking, like “War for the Planet of the Apes.” Watch something ambitious, like “Logan”. Watch something made with true effort, like “Dunkirk”. Watch LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a bad movie! As long as it’s something with actual ambition, with *an inch* of effort put into it, then just click on that, because it’ll definitely be worth more than this movie. Stay as far away from “Bright” as you can. 

 

But don’t worry, my fellow fans of true cinema. If you want justice on David Ayer and Max Landis, just know this: every morning, for the rest of their lives, Ayer and Landis will have to wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror, and think, “I made a movie about an orc cop.” They will have to live with that.

 

Which brings me to the only possible rating I could give this movie:

💩/5